Update

Well, it's been a while since I've blogged here. Almost ten months exactly. I was doubtful that anyone would happen across my first, and up until this point only post, but I am pleasantly surprised that at least a few people did read it. I should warn you that the main reason that I have returned to this blog is that yet again I find myself in desperate need for the catharsis of writing. Although I'm still very doubtful that people will bother to read my exceedingly wordy post, the primary objective of this, as was the case the last time I sat down and typed out my feelings and thoughts, is mainly for me to muddle through my own emotional turmoil, but please feel free to advise and or comment on what you find written here. With that out of the way...let's begin! 

I mentioned in my inaugural post that I was going to graduate in May and I did. I am the proud owner of a $50,000 Bachelor's of Arts degree in film & media studies and history who is also as a result woefully unemployed and sinking at a heartbreaking and rapid rate. My disappointment has been more pronounced because I interviewed for a highly coveted production assistant position for the film adaptation the Tony Award winning play August: Osage County, a position that I was unfortunately not selected for. It would seem that I'm an undesirable in more ways than one and it would be hysterical if it wasn't so goddamn depressing. I find myself feeling sick for about five hours a day and bored and or sad for the remaining waking hours, which is why I try to sleep as much of the day away as possible so I don't have to think or feel anything. It is the only reprieve I have from my melancholy where I can temporarily escape the reality of my failures and my parents annoyance and disappointment. 

Most of my problems (I think) arise from the fact that I desperately want to be someone extraordinary and to do extraordinary things but the reality is, there really isn't anything exceptional about me and I don't believe that I will ever do anything exciting, enjoyable, worthwhile, or truly fulfilling. I'm just an ant meant for drudgery and a quiet gray life-like the majority of the world's population. But it is one thing to recognize this and another thing entirely to accept it. However, in this moment I think that the following GIF of Valentine Wannop as portrayed by Adelaide Clemens in the recent BBC adaptation of Parade's End sums up my current emotional state perfectly. 

Yet, having recognized my own commonness I still sit here combing through a seemingly endless parade of websites, particularly those involving television and film companies (Times Warner, Warner Brothers, and BBC America are just a few of the websites that I have investigated) and internships, which are the only thing that I'm really qualified for and which at this point I am no longer eligible for because...I have graduated. ARGH! Upon that unfortunate turn of events add that fact that I am thousands of miles away from any and all opportunities that I could stand a chance of at least getting an interview for and you can imagine how I'm feeling. Does this mean that I should move to places where I don't know a soul, and honestly places where I don't really want to live (I want to move to London...yeah, yeah, I know I'm a fool) just for the hope of securing an interview?

Is there someone, anyone, in the blogosphere who can advise me what the hell I should do. Please, tell me what I'm doing wrong - other than absolutely everything. I've considered returning to school and getting a Masters in journalism, advertising, broadcast electronic media, or communications. I have also thought about returning and getting another Bachelor's degree (my third) in something more sensible and lucrative, perhaps marketing, graphic design or something in the journalism field. But the idea of returning to school when I have a brother who is already sixteen and beginning to think about his own university and professional aspirations seems unbelievably selfish and ill-advised. I really am at a loss. 

I feel like a total failure and the embodiment and epitome of disappointment in my parents' eyes and as though I'm beginning to lose the plot. Please, some encouragement or better yet some real honest advice from someone who is experiencing or has experienced something similar to this would be much appreciated. 

I apologize if any of you who read this are vicariously experiencing my depression. Hopefully, it wont hang around for much longer. I honestly don't know if I'll last if it does.  

Inaugural Post

First, I must preface this exercise in narcissism by wishing you a happy new year. I know that technically that is a phrase one hears on the first of January, which by now is yesterday, but I don't care. I think I'm close enough. It must also be disclosed that I have never blogged before in my life and as I wasn't the type to compulsively journal every day after school either, this blog has the potential be pretty awful, or miraculously decent.

So, with that disclaimer out-of-the-way, let's jump in to the excruciatingly painful experience that will be my first post. As I don't really know what to talk about I guess I'll just overshare a little too much and talk about myself...sorry.

Deep breath...

I'm twenty-two years old (a whisper away from twenty-three) and I'm completely directionless. Think Dustin Hoffman's Benjamin Braddock in The Graduate (Mike Nichols, 1967) ...minus the sleeping with the neighbor's wife and then falling for her daughter part. God, it's frightening how much I can relate to his character. Shiver. I think, or rather hope, that many individuals close to my age who have graduation looming over their heads can relate, and if not, will at the very least sympathize with my plight. Technically, I could have graduated this semester; however, as I'm unsure about what the hell it is I want to do I'm attempting to milk my university education into another to buy myself some time to make a decision about my future. Whoever determined that a person in their early twenties would be clear-sighted and mature enough to decide what to do with the rest of their lives was a real asshole!

To my own indecisive and timid nature add the outside pressures of my family and you can imagine the stress I'm experiencing. Although my parents claim to not care about what profession I pursue I know that what they really want is for me to attend law school. I honestly don't think that I'm incapable of succeeding in this particular field, but the grown-up connotations of such a career path terrify me. I've watched my parents work their asses off as educators (in my opinion one of the most under-appreciated professions) for the entirety of my existence and I've seen how unhappy my father is with his career. That is exactly what I don't want to submit myself to. I don't want to be exhausted and depleted of all enthusiasm at twenty-seven. The dream, as unrealistic as it is, is to work in some capacity in the film industry. One of my majors (yes, I have more than one as another means of avoiding making a definitive decision about my life) is in film and media studies. I have loved every minute of the courses I've taken to obtain this particular degree. My professors seem to genuinely enjoy their careers and have an exuberance that makes me envious. I want that, but I don't know how to get it. I'm too nervous a person to pick up everything and relocate without any justification for such a drastic move. I need a reason...specifically a job to move for and even that isn't a guarantee in the notoriously vicious Hollywood. Here lies the dilemma. Does a person make the safe choice, the choice that practically guarantees a financially stable existence complete with nice clothes, vacations, and homes, or does one chose the path that is infinitely more uncertain but has the potential to more enjoyable and allows you to preserve your youth? I honestly don't know what to do. Ideas?

Wow, sorry that this inaugural post was such a heavy one...and long. Actually, I pretty much whinged throughout the whole thing. Oops! I don't think most of my posts will be like this but I think it's clear I kind of needed the catharsis of writing about my feelings.

I suppose that is more than enough for one post - maybe even two or three - so I'll leave you with something lighter and more enjoyable. Again, happy new year. I hope 2012 exceeds all your expectations.